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11/16/2012

S.O.S: SeXXX on my Mind

Op-Ed Contributor

Semper Fi, Honey?

By JACEY ECKHART
Published: November 15, 2012

Washington

Rachell Sumpter

 

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MY husband looks more like Cary Grant in “Operation Petticoat” every day — accomplished, senior and ravishingly handsome. Ordinarily, this would not be a problem for me. Ordinarily, this Cary Grantness would be cause for a skip in my step and a naughty gleam in my eye.

But this is not an ordinary week for military marriages. This is a week in which heroes are brought down by their all-too-human flaws. This is a week of women who look like Kardashians turning over their e-mail accounts to the F.B.I. This is a week of military spouses — male and female — being hand-fed humiliation by the person whose career ambitions they supported for years.

Most of the time, my long-married military friends and I don’t think about infidelity. We don’t worry about divorce. We know that research from the RAND Corporation shows that even though military members are more likely to be married at every age than their matched civilian counterparts, we are no more likely to be divorced. We feel confident that despite war and danger and the escapades of our own children, our marriages are forever.

Until now. Because Gen. David H. Petraeus is no drunken ship captain carousing in Russia with his junior officers. General Petraeus is no wolf preying on females in his chain of command. He seems too much like our own husbands. If he could betray his wife of 38 years and 23 moves and a decade of constant war, what hope do the rest of us have for fidelity?

This weekend I treated my husband to the same scene that probably played out in the bedrooms of all 800,000 active-duty marriages. Ours was crowned with me stomping out of the tub clad in a towel and crying, “Please, please, promise me that won’t ever happen to us!”

My husband of 25 years thought this was the silliest thing I have ever said. And I have said a lot about infidelity through our own history of 7 deployments, 16 moves and 2 so-called geographic bachelor tours, when he was sent on assignment without us.

I don’t mean that either of us has jealous tantrums or that either of us is a cheater. I mean that when military life requires that you spend so much time apart, your marriage confronts one of the factors shown to contribute to infidelity: opportunity.

When we were first married, the opportunity was all mine. My husband was stationed on an all-male ship in the middle of the Persian Gulf. I was a 22-year-old girl who thought it was “no biggie” to go dancing with a bunch of naval aviators. “It was just dancing,” I claimed. “What are you so mad about?”

Later, the opportunity was all his. I was home with a baby and no friends, and he was making port visits. One night he woke me up with a call from a 7-Eleven in Daytona Beach, Fla. “Some girl was flirting with me a little too much,” he said. “I thought I should go get a Klondike bar instead.”

Although there are no firm numbers about infidelity and the military, I suspect that we are a lot like other Americans. From my experience as a military marriage consultant, I’d estimate that a third of military marriages are probably blighted by infidelity — about the same as civilian marriages.

And so we set up our little rules and policies to keep our marriage safe. We talk. We identify the rare, much-too-attractive individuals in our work and social circles whom we need to keep at arm’s length. Fidelity is ingrained in us now.

So why has the Petraeus scandal reduced me to a wet towel and tears? I watched the Petraeuses on TV and noted that, like my husband, the general is in that Cary Grant stage of a military career.

I watch them and I am suddenly aware I look less like the buxom nurse in “Operation Petticoat” and more like Mr. Grant’s co-star, Tony Curtis, every day. And not the young Tony Curtis, either.

Meanwhile, early next year my husband will deploy for the eighth time. So, not surprisingly, all I can think as I watch the Petraeus scandal unfold is: The Kardashians are coming. The Kardashians are coming.

What are our meager defenses against age and distance and opportunity? We talk about the Petraeuses as if we know them; we don’t, personally, but in a way we know their life story intimately. And now we know, as they do, that history isn’t enough to keep a long military marriage together.

No, I think we always knew it. It is just that now we have a reason to look at this new fidelity and make our plans for the deployments to come.

We reassure each other. We discuss strategy. We laugh over our shared past. We head back to bed.

Jacey Eckhart, the spouse editor for Military.com, is the author of “The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman’s Guide to Raising a Military Family.”

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What Military Spouses Know About Infidelity

And where the military’s real dirty secrets lie.

By |Posted Wednesday, Nov. 14, 2012, at 10:39 AM ET

Soldiers from the 713th Engineer Company of the Indiana Army National Guard are greeted by family.

Soldiers from the 713th Engineer Company of the Indiana Army National Guard are greeted by family and friends at a homecoming ceremony at the Army Aviation Support Facility in September
Photograph by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

“I have no words, no questions,” Penelope proclaims after seeing her husband, Odysseus, for the first time in 20 years, after he has made his way home from fighting in the Trojan War. “If it really is Odysseus, and he is home, we will recognize each other well enough; there are secrets that we two know and no one else.”

Amen, sister.

As a military wife who has watched my husband come and go from multiple long deployments (this century’s eight-to-12 month variety), I share Penelope’s understanding of spousal intimacy. It’s not the actual physical cheating I worry about; it’s that distance will erode the sense that it’s the two of us against the world, or that the intense new experiences that inevitably result from war will intrude on the feeling that we are co-conspirators in life. I’m not alone in that concern. Though military spouses (including me) are careful not to speak of the Petraeus family specifically, because of the strong impulse to protect Holly Petraeus from further pain (many in the community know her personally, others have benefited from her advocacy work, and the rest feel that she’s part of their “military family”), the recent headlines have prompted a quiet discussion in military-spouse circles about whether or not infidelity is a hazard of military life.

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“I never saw it coming,” one friend told me after discovering that her husband had multiple affairs during a series of deployments, and who has stayed in the marriage. “But in the military, you’re given more opportunities for infidelity, and there are more stresses, which lead to bad choices. You’ve got the distance, you’ve got the long hours, you’ve got the drinking. There’s always a temptation. I’m not stupid, and my husband is a pretty good guy. So what about all the schmucks?”

Good question. Most military spouses I’ve heard from in the past week say plainly that marriage is hard regardless of the circumstances, but that the military environment seems to exacerbate the normal tensions that any couple might face, whether they involve money, raising the kids, or extracurricular sexual activities. Those who have experienced a spouse’s cheating tend to think it’s as contagious as the plague, like the friend quoted above, who feels like “the culture of the military contributed to the problem.” Others believe it’s a “man” problem rather than a “military” problem. As another military spouse told me, pointedly, “Infidelity is a hazard of life”—not military life.

Who’s right? I called Kayt Sukel, the author of Dirty Minds: How Our Brains Influence Love, Sex, and Relationships, and a former Army spouse, to get her take. During her years as an Army wife on a military base in Germany, she led her unit’s family readiness group, a command-sponsored organization of family members that provides support, outreach, and information. Here, she learned the concept of the “home team/away team”—meant to refer to American troops who are married to women in the United States but who also have common-law wives and children at their overseas post. “Any sort of high-stress life that takes you away from your primary partner for months at a time presents a risk,” she says, “and falling in love affects your judgment. So it doesn’t surprise me that [the officers in the headlines] weren’t acting as discreetly as they should.”

Sukel doesn’t blame the impulse to seek comfort outside of marriage on the military, but believes that military norms may inadvertently support the behavior because “people keep each other’s secrets. You can’t talk about where you’re going or what your mission is; you’ve sworn not to reveal your whereabouts or your schedule. You trust the guys in your unit, you’re not going to let anything operational slip, and you’re not going to let anything else slip, either.”

Still, infidelity cannot be explained away, says military spouse and author Jacey Eckhart, who posted to a military.com blog for spouses earlier this week:

One of the results of the Petraeus admissions is that the question of fidelity between military couples rears its ugly head. I cannot bear all of the shrugging off of fidelity I have heard this weekend, as if infidelity for military couples is the logical result of spending so much time apart. … The thought that we should expect a little cheatage to come our way simply because we spend too much time apart is a poison in our culture. Infidelity is not acceptable. It is not inevitable. Faithfulness is not too much to ask for military couples. In fact, I think that it is because our military lives are so demanding on both the service member and the spouse that faithfulness is required of each of us. Every day. All the time. Physically. Emotionally. Financially.

I’m all for faithfulness. But should its absence merit criminal action, as it does for service members under the Uniform Code of Military Justice? Another military wife I know, who has thought long and hard about infidelity after her husband admitted to several affairs on overseas assignments, thinks yes, telling me that “the military has a moral responsibility to spouses to enforce rules forbidding adultery. [The service member’s wife] is literally at the mercy of the military commanders and puts her faith and trust in both her soldier and in the soldiers responsible for him to ensure that her own interests are being looked after.”

But there’s a wary undertone to these discussions because few military spouses believe that adultery is worthy of the tabloid-like headlines it has received during the last few days, particularly if there are no national security issues at stake (which there don’t appear to be in the current scandal). Many military spouses feel that the avalanche of media interest in the Petraeus affair is disingenuous at best—at worst, prurient with a pinch of schadenfreude. Not only do none of us want our marriage parsed by others, but we hear the profound truth in the Onion’s recent headline, “Nation Horrified to Learn About War in Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal.” Ten years of combat, and this is what grabs America’s attention?

As a military spouse, I wish the spotlight would fall on the real tragedies and crises military families face every day. They don’t require FBI investigations or White House notification. Simply drive down the main road at Walter Reed Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Md. (or any local VA hospital), where a young man whose body consists of a head and a torso blows into a straw to steer himself through the crosswalk on the way into the hospital. This is where the reporters should be. Stop by the base post office, where a young man, face down on a stretcher, waits in a line for his mail. Step over to Dunkin Donuts, where another young man with four prosthetic limbs attempts to hand the cashier a $5 bill, which keeps slipping out of his metal claw.  Pass a young veteran in a wheelchair trying to push his infant’s stroller with one hand while wheeling himself forward with the other. In this city of amputees, and in the scores of American towns that will house and attempt to heal them for decades to come, the dirtiest secret of wartime is already out in the open, for everyone to see.

Alison Buckholtz is the author of Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War(Tarcher/Penguin 2009), which will be released in paperback this spring with a new afterword and reader’s guide.

SiDevilIam
I confess. I said bad things about Gen David Petraeus over his illegal, immoral, extramarital affair with a bimbo, Oops, Bimbette, Oops, Broad. Well, so sue me.
I understand that we, the people, do not understand the human nature. Like any other animals, critters and critic like yours truly, included, need to respond to our animal instincts, as the lord God has ordained us.
The question is who is doing it to whom?
I faulted Gen David Petraeus, not for having sex. He is entitled to it. With his wife of thirty, long years. Not with a Broad, abroad, Afghanistan, to be specific.
…and I am Sid harth@elcidharth.com
24 Seconds Ago
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W
Ms. Buckholtz, thank you for this article. The final paragraph was eloquent and powerful, and reminded me (I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder) of what really is important here.

“Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.” – Albert Einstein

7 Hours Ago
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Joe Blow
Nicely written article. Most on the right are proud of the military, and would rather not have their kids serve or know anything about the real costs. Most of the left are restive about the military, quick to avoid being criticized for not supporting the troops, and not wanting their kids to serve or to confront the real costs. It’s funny living in a deep blue region of the world where almost nobody in my professional life has ever had anything to do with the military. It was something grandad did, to fight the good war.

One of the costs of professional military service is that personal relationships get blown apart more frequently yet just as devestatingly as bodies. I served for around a decade, and you (jokingly) weren’t considered a real professional soldier if you weren’t on your second wife by mid-career, third wife by 20. It was considered a cost of being in the game.

15 Hours Ago
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Allena Cat Tapia
Well, I’m going to put my neck out and disagree. Infidelity DOES INDEED seem a logical next step to spending time apart. Couples who orbit each other day in and day out can barely make a go of it without wandering. People are naturally wired to NEED (not just want) sex, love, intimacy, partnership, support of THAT kind. The thing is, admitting this is ONLY a “poison to our culture” if we let it be.

Our culture is TRAPPED in these outdated and outlandish/unrealistic Disney-movie value/moral systems that are quite obviously failing us, but instead of re-examining them, we dig in our heels and assume “we” can be different, “we” are the exception! I don’t want to think that way. People who think that way are blindsided.

Nicole likes this.
16 Hours Ago
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Jamie Haman
Now that Petreaus’s affair has been outed, his resignation accepted…Let’s go ahead and put him back to work.
20 Hours Ago
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stinkthinkthinktank
brilliant, i think, especially the last paragraph.

as far as i am from the military–& that is very far–all i can think of is the sadness of his wife. i think we, as a culture, have examined this story enough already. every day of having the whole country yakk about her personal life has gotta make her feel very bad. &, for the life of me, i cannot understand why we have to concern ourselves w/ a bunch of middle-aged people flirting w/ one another at all [cos thats what three out of four of the pillars of this story seem to be. that, & that alone]. why cant we just let this drop?

20 Hours Ago
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Cdub
“But in the military, you’re given more opportunities for infidelity,,,”

Heck, in some duty stations it’s borderline encouraged (looking at you, 2ID).

jamlars likes this.
21 Hours Ago
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leochen24551
I joined the Army in the Sixties, so Vietnam was my war. We lost over 58,000 American Combat Soldiers and Marines in that failed ‘conflict’. So Alison Buckholtz’s article certainly hit home with me.

Yet, the issue of marital infidelity is problematic. And infidelity has its searing costs, especially if children are involved. Because every child deserves a loving father and a loving mother, both of whom — ideally — should be under the same roof with their children. Or am I being too unrealistic?

21 Hours Ago
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RedGrrl
Well written, thoughtful article.
And thank you for the Homer (NOT Simpson!) quote.
Job22 and Doonesburyfan like this.
22 Hours Ago
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gobangwall
I am seeing many of the articles questioning why is the women always to blame as the seductress in scandals with powerful men. I do agree that in sex scandals, the women tend to be portrayed as gold diggers and/or aggressors.

At the same time, when I read articles about infidelity regarding military families it’s always the men who are portrayed as cheaters. Yes there are plenty of men who will cheat when they are away, but I would think that there are plenty of military wives cheating on their husbands while the later are being deployed as well. When it comes to cheating involving the military families, are women always the victims?

becky_gilbert and valente347 like this.
Yesterday
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MessyONE
If someone is going to cheat, they will. It doesn’t matter what they do, who they are, or where they are. Cheaters cheat.

I actually find it hilarious when a spouse blames “the other woman” or “the other man”. What a crock! Believe me, their spouse would have found SOMEONE to cheat with – it doesn’t matter who it is. The “other” is meat. The SPOUSE is the jerk in that situation and no one else.

12 Hours Ago
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LuminarSaman
“the military has a moral responsibility to spouses to enforce rules forbidding adultery. [The service member’s wife] is literally at the mercy of the military commanders and puts her faith and trust in both her soldier and in the soldiers responsible for him to ensure that her own interests are being looked after.”

Just put your own legs in the stirrups. Nail his commander. Hell, nail one of his subordinates.

Yesterday
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Mo
Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Division of the Washington Post Company
All contents © 2012 The Slate Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Loving relationships and infidelity in military families

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Are you currently in a close relationship, spending evenings and weekends together, sharing unique activities and intimate moments that are special to the two of you?

· Do you get upset when your partner spends an extra evening out or goes away for a weekend or a week without you?

· If either of you travels often for business, does that cause problems, upsets and conflicts in your relationship?

· When your partner is away from you for several days, a week, or a month, do you find yourself seeking companionship in the arms of someone else?

· Do you need and demand a lot of personal attention, emotional comforting, communication, understanding, hand-holding, support at family and business functions, regular sexual contact, assistance with child rearing, or just having someone else in your home with you?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then you have probably never thought about this next question:

What would it be like for you to be in love with, involved with, and/or married to a soldier, a man or woman who is enlisted in the armed forces in the army, navy, marines, air force, or another venue? What if your partner was with you every day and you shared wonderful romantic days and nights, and then, suddenly, the letter came. “Report for overseas duty on the following date….”

How would you handle the situation? Would you make the most of every moment you have left together or would you begin to create stress – anger, mood swings, sadness, depression, anxiety – because of your own fear of separation? Would you focus on comforting the other person or would you be more concerned with your own fear of abandonment, loneliness or uncertainty?

Perhaps you are currently living with a soldier or you, yourself, are currently or have been deployed overseas. Perhaps your most intimate relationship has become shaky, difficult, fraught with anger and emotional imbalances, and you have been blaming yourself or blaming your partner. Perhaps you have already split up with that person you loved before the enforced separation.

The stress and strain of being an army spouse is not talked about much. There is ongoing and daily uncertainty when a beloved and needed partner is deployed overseas in a war torn environment with the possibility of being injured, captured, maimed or killed at any instant. Their letters might not convey the sensitivity that the person remaining at home expects. There may not be much verbal communication for a very long period of time.

The person fighting for this country or serving to assist injured soldiers might be seeing and experiencing some terrifying, horrific and unimaginable scenes. There might be someone right nearby sharing the same terrible moments. An affair might occur in a moment of severe emotional confusion, upset or trauma.

The person remaining at home may feel empty, scared, alone, and angry at having all the child rearing, family, or financial responsibilities. This person may share some emotional concerns with a fellow neighbor or colleague at work. An affair might occur in a moment of emotional pain, anxiety, stress, fear or just a sense of “What’s the point?”

And then the soldier returns home. But this person returning home may be very different from that romantic, sensitive, kind person who left only a few short months or years ago. The kinds of traumatic events, the physical traumas and injuries, the excitement and life stopping exhilaration in the midst of terror, may now lead to anger, depression, brain injury, physical ailments, drug addiction and mental problems that can be extremely difficult for even the most caring spouse to handle. One or both may have gotten involved with another person, being unfaithful to the marital or commitment bonds.

If you are personally involved with a soldier or if you yourself are a returning soldier, just remember that there are resources available to help you cope with many of these seemingly insurmountable problems. There are marriage and family therapists specifically trained to understand and help you overcome barriers to recreating love. There are psychiatrists that can offer appropriate medications to calm the nerves or balance the brain chemistry. There are mental health counselors and psychologists to deal with emotional problems and mental concerns. And, there are body therapists and body oriented psychotherapists that can help you actually release traumatic memories that are stored in body tissues.

Author’s Bio:

Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and to revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web site at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and you can take the Create Healing and Love Now Personal quiz and get your free asessment report at http://www.createhealingandlovenow.com/quiz.

Infidelity:
T h e W a r W a i t i n g a t H o m e
A search through recent literature does not reveal any specific
insights on research conducted on the prevalence of extra
marital affairs by members of the military (Karney & Crown,
2007). The number of divorces in the military is higher
than in previous years, which can correlate to the increase in
deployments to the GWOT, but the divorce rate has yet to
surpass the percentages of non-military couples (2007). The
most recent and thorough research into military families and
divorce is the Rand report (2007); however, there is not much
available that specifically addresses infidelity in the military,
particularly in the wake of the GWOT.
The information available for those of us around military
installations who invest our careers counseling military families
is mostly anecdotal. Our appointment books are filled with
distressed military couples. Many of them are looking for help
resolving extramarital affairs and help with affair recovery. Those
who have opted to go straight to a lawyer, or to divorce court,
seldom get to our offices. While affairs are the most significant
single contributor to divorce (Amato & Rogers, 1997), neither
the military or non-military records are able to determine the
relevancy of affairs in the present military environment.
There are three specific contributors to consider. The first is the
anxiety of separation during deployment by the spouse left at
home, which contributes to infidelity; the second is the fear and
anxiety of having a spouse living in harm’s way, which leads to
seeking relief through infidelity; and the final contributor is that
infidelity can be a form of retaliation against a spouse who is
separated from his or her partner during a deployment.
Soldiers* are mentally and physically trained to go to war: it is
part of their mission and for many, the reason they volunteered
to serve in the military. Until that mission is accomplished, the
veteran will not come home. Unfortunately, there is no mental
training for spouses. The anxiety of separation can be an ever
increasing burden for the partner who remains at home.
Personal interviews and surveys completed by military
wives suggest that the demands and strains of military life
compromise their efforts to maintain their relationship with
their spouse (decreasing opportunities for intimacy, closed
line of communication in problem solving, by creating new
problems to solve) thus leading to outcomes that could have
been avoided otherwise (Karney & Crown, 2007). Since
Vietnam, casualty rates among military members are higher
than ever. The inherent risks of military service are palpable
around military installations and families of deployed military.
The demands that are placed upon service members are at
an all-time high; with the ongoing deployments to Iraq and
Afghanistan, more service members are exposed to combat. It’s
a time of vulnerability when infidelity can become a way of
dealing with the anxiety (Subotnick, 1994. 35).
Separation is one of those transitional life stages that involves
loss. Separation is part of the new normal in the military,
implying that all military deployments involve loss. Those
who may struggle with abandonment and attachments may
be particularly vulnerable if they experience the deployment
as a traumatic event in their lives (Johnson, 2002). Occasional
danger or distress can be handled in small doses, but a
seemingly endless barrage of emotional battering can be
devastating. The normal elements of fear and abandonment
and dependency, which are contained in low doses, can cause
problems when they occur in excessive amounts (Pittman
& Wagers, 1995, p. 299). The continued anxiety can reach
unmanageable proportions for some, and are then dealt with
inappropriately, sometimes resulting in an affair.
Some partners may take the opposite approach. Rather than
experiencing anxiety, they sense nothing at all. No longer
feeling like they need sexual attention, some spouses develop
an asexual attitude, while others, due to forced suppression of
their desires and needs, may have thoughts of cheating (Pavlicin,
2003). The affair is unexpected and the consequences are not
J e r r y P o w e l l , D M i n A m b e r K e n n e d y , MA
38 f a m i l y t h e r a p y m a g a z i n e m a r c h a p r i l 2 0 0 9 39
considered; it usually takes partners by surprise. Explanations given may sound something like, “it just happened,” as the realization sets in that for a short, but crucial period of time, they let their guard down too far. On a day-to-day basis, some humans need more than others. When our partner is not available to meet our needs and we are alone, then we are at risk of making extremely unwise decisions. “Accidental affairs” can happen during those times (Pittman & Wagers, 1995).
A partner’s previous expectation of a happy and satisfying emotional and sexual life, with many of their needs met by their partner (Subotnick, 1994, p. 35), is now not being met due to deployment. One response can be to “tough it out” and ignore the loneliness and emotional separation. The partner may hope to disregard or ignore individual needs and life will go on. To whine or complain could be misinterpreted as unpatriotic or selfish, when in actuality, a real need is being unmet. At some point, a spouse may find him or herself questioning the ability to continue to disregard emotional needs, and he or she may look for someone else to fill the void. Subotnick (1994) found that most extramarital involvement develops due to the anxiety that rises when a transition occurs, whether it is within the family, or an individual one.
Anxiety expressed or anxiety suppressed can be detrimental when expressed through infidelity. Although normalization of the behavior seems counterintuitive, the therapist can help the couple recognize that unusual situations can result in unusual reactions. The reaction may not be healthy for the relationship, but the offending partner may not have had the capacity or resources to respond appropriately under the stress of separation.
The second contributing factor can be the anxiety that the partner at home senses while a spouse is in harm’s way. This fear and anxiety can sometimes erode the seemingly strongest will. The oceans, deserts, months, or sometimes years, leave the spouses with a heartache that seems almost undying.
No matter how long a spouse tries to prepare him or herself for deployment, when the final minute approaches for the soldier to board the bus to begin the long journey to the road of war, the fear of “will my soldier come back alive?” is lurking in the back of everyone’s mind. The stress of a military marriage is ongoing. Death or injury, separation by training or deployment, shift work and long working hours and the ability to sustain acceptable behaviors outside of military work are all stressors for family and service members (Segal, 1989).
Unfortunately, the stress of separation begins before the deployment. Anticipatory grief in recognizing the impending separation and possible outcomes can wear on a partner and grate on a relationship. “Early grief starts the moment you hear the awful news…we can visualize someone’s death, the void it will leave in our lives, and the pain we will feel afterwards” (Hodgson & Krahn, 2005, p. 4). The separation intensifies as the training for deployment and time preparing for deployment keeps the soldier from the family for increasingly longer periods of time. During deployment, the anxiety of separation intensifies, fueled by the awareness of a dangerous atmosphere for the soldier. Knowing one’s spouse can be in mortal danger at any time can be an emotional roller coaster for couples. The opportunity to develop closeness is forfeited by the inability to discuss emotionally-laden topics from half a world away. This can lead to more emotional distance and the cycle continues. In an effort to find someone who can comfort and share, a spouse at home can find an unexpected outcome through infidelity. As Pittman and Wagers (1995) contend, if we are needy at a time when we are alone, when our partner is unavailable, we are at risk of being our least wise and least discriminating selves (p. 302). Circumstances of a crisis lead these friends away from their usual socially correct conversation and toward a more intimate interaction. Unsure of how to handle or understand this intimacy, the couple may misinterpret it as sexual and find themselves in an affair (1995, p. 301). This situation can develop both on the home front and between deployed personnel who are thrust together during times of extreme emotional intensity.
“Veterans who had experienced greater exposure to combat also reported greater marital difficulties (e.g., higher rates of infidelity)” (Karney & Crown, 2007, p.56). The actual exposure to increased combat also increased the infidelity probability. The issue of controlling one’s environment and ever increasingly risky behavior can be pursued during therapy with the military member when they are involved in infidelity. The import of that insight is that the soldier may think that when he or she can control nothing in their lives (a common thought in combat) at least they can control their sexuality. That control can be exhibited through infidelity.
The third approach may be the most difficult to assess and confront for the therapist—the approach of recognizing that every person who deploys to combat returns with a certain level of anger. Every partner to whom they return also has another level of anger. Although this hypothesis has not been formalized or tested, we have yet to have a redeploying soldier or spouse disagree with the basic assumption. Earlier writings (Hogancamp & Figley, 1983; Moskos, 1970, et al.) addressed the difficulties of reunion after combat. However, the issue was never described in terms of anger or expressed hostility. The non-specific hostility of the spousal dyad begins far before deployment and can last for years beyond redeployment. During deployment, the spouse at home can experience a full range of emotions, but many are on the high end of anger and hostility. This anger can be expressed as loss, missing events with the spouse, missed activities, and anger at “the war,” government or military service that robbed them of their closeness. The anger, though perhaps justified in their minds, may take a vengeful turn. One of many ways this vengeful turn can be expressed is in sexually acting out and infidelity. As many studies on rape insist that the act of rape is not about sex, so also we hold that acting out sexually by an angry and hostile partner is not about intimacy or relationship. The behavior is about anger and vengeance at being emotionally abandoned by the partner. Helping couples understand that dynamic is challenging because of the intensity of the emotions that underlie the behavior.
The Global War on Terrorism will continue. The increase in deployments and the resulting struggles of couples will continue to mount. The couples who support the GWOT will continue to struggle with what are sometimes unique and unfamiliar situations that the general population may not understand or experience. The aftermath of infidelity that requires help and healing in the lives of returning veterans will continue to be an opportunity for marriage and family therapists for a significant time. The ability to address and understand the veterans’ plight and relate professionally to their experiences helps immensely to begin the healing process. n
*Note: “Soldiers” is a term used generically throughout this article, rather than a more awkward term such as “military member.” One could just as easily insert terms for Marines, Air Force Personnel, Navy Personnel or any number of other military-related persons.
Jerry Powell, DMin, LMFT, LPC, is an AAMFT Clinical Member and Approved Supervisor. He is the director of the Fayetteville Family Life Center, Fayetteville, NC. Powell retired from the Army in 2007 after a 20-year career that included a deployment to Iraq.
Amber Kennedy, MA, is pursuing licensure for LMFT and LPC. She is married to a service member who is preparing for his second deployment.
References
Amato, P. R., & Rogers, S. J. (1997). Single most significant predictor of divorce. A longitudinal study of marital problems and subsequent divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59, 612-624.
Brown, C. O. (1933). Enquirer and News (Battle Creek) 18 Nov 1933. Quote attributed to William T. Sherman, as quoted in his presentation to the Ohio State Fair in 1880. Retrieved from February 4, 2009, from http://www.mi5th.org/warishell.htm Feb 2009.
Butler, M., Harper, J., & Seedeau, R. (2009). Facilitated disclosure versus clinical accommodation of infidelity secrets: An early pivot point in couple therapy part 1: Couple relationship ethics, pragmatics, and attachment. Journal of Martial and Family Therapy, 35, 125-131.
Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1997). Reconstruction after infidelity. In W. K. Halford & H. J. Markman, (Eds.), Clinical handbook of marriage and couples intervention (pp.471-507). New York: John Wiley and Sons.
Hogancamp, V. E., & Figley, C. R. (1983) War: Bringing the battle home. In C. R. Figley & H. I. McCubbin, (Eds.), Stress and the family, Vol II: Coping with catastrophe. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Hodgson, H., & Krahn, L. (2005). Smiling through your tears: Anticipating grief. North Charleston, SC: BookSurge.
Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused family therapy with trauma survivors. New York: Guilford Press.
Karney, B., & Crown, J. (2007). Families under stress: An assessment of data, theory, and research on marriage and divorce in the military. Rand Corporation. Retrieved February 4, 2009 from http://www.Karney&Crown.org/pubs/monographs/MG599/.
Moskos, C. C., Jr. (1970). The American enlisted man. New York: Russell Sage Foundation.
Pavlicin, K. (2003). Surviving deployment: A guide for military families. Saint Paul, MN: Elva Resa.
Pittman, F., & Wagers, T. (1997). Crises of infidelity. In A. S. Gurman & N. S. Jacobson (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (pp.299-302). New York: Guilford Press.
Segal, M. W. (1989). The nature of work and family linkages: A theoretical perspective. In G. L. Bowen & D. K. Orthner (Eds.), The organizational family: Work and family linkages in the U.S. military. New York: Praeger.
Subotnick, R., & Harris, G. (1994). Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering from the pain. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation.
Unfortunately, there is no mental training for spouses.
Jerry Powell on duty in Baghdad, Iraq.
The Virginia
Division of the AAMFT
Annual Conference
APRIL 3, 2009
The Virginia Division of the AAMFT will hold its spring conference at the Crowne Plaza Hotel & Convention Center in Williamsburg, VA.
Ethics & Family Treatments with Eric McCollum, Ph.D.
Theme: “Internal Family Systems Therapy: Theory & Practice”
Speaker: Richard Schwartz, Ph.D.
VAMFT at http://www.vamft.org or call Ed Hendrickson at
(703) 994-0034

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